A few weeks back I was driving on Market St. through the Castro with my friend Hilary. A billboards we drove by said something like, “Adult Titles The Whole Family Can Enjoy”. Somehow that sparked a conversation with us listing the funniest porno titles…her favorite being “Glad-He-Ate-Her”.

Obvious blog subject!!!

As it turns out, when you Google “best porn movie names”, one of the top 3 sites is http://www.wikiporno.org/wiki/Best_Porn_Movie_Names . Now, not only is this a list of every movie-based porno title list 400 films long, but the site is called “wikiporno”…That’s some real interneting!

Anyway, I sorted the list and edited out the ones I didn’t understand, didn’t know the movie or that made me gag….here you go:

-b

I’m Sure I missed a bunch of good ones, but here’s the list I came up with…ENJOY!

Here’s the context. I’m a big Cal (Pac 1o) fan. My friend Rommy is a Penn State (Big 10) fan. Here is our text message conversation about the BCS Championship game between Ohio State and Louisiana State :

Rommy: Big 10 football baby!

Ben: Bitch please! There are 3 teams I would pick over OSU and LSU.

Rommy: OK, we’ll see where Cal is next year, after the “restructuring”.

Ben: What does that have to do with what we were talking about?

Ben: By the way, how was the Rose Bowl this year, last year, the year before that, etc…

Rommy: The Rose Bowl is no Armed Forces bowl or whatever shit bowl you went to.

Ben: Ok Penis State playing in a shitty conference and still having a shitty year.

Rommy: 9-4 isn’t as good as 7-6 with a loss to UCLA. You are a proud fan.

Ben: Indiana, Iowa, Iona, Illinois…am I missing anyone? (Yes, I know Iona isn’t in the big 10)

Rommy: Dude, what other teams should have gone to the National Champ? #3 and #4 lost their bowls. The other ones suck. Maybe USC.

Ben: SC, Georgia, WVU. (Maybe even Kansas)

Rommy: WVU lost, didn’t they?

Ben: Beat Oklahoma big.

Rommy: And Georgia was not bigger than LSU

Ben: They are better. Same record but they didn’t get to play in the SEC championship game. (lost head to head tie breaker to Tenn, who Cal man handle, pre-Longshore injury)

Ben: Big 10 football. Giving up 10 point leads because we have good manners. (LSU 17, OSU 10)

Ben: Big 10 football. Here you have the ball…we don’t want it anymore. (interception by LSU)

Rommy: Cal football. We just suck.

Ben: Oh, this is about Cal now?

Rommy: You don’t have a leg to stand on.

Ben: And the big 10 does? Cal is 4-2 in bowl games in the last 6 years.

Ben: Maybe 5-1. (We are actually 4-1 b/c we were being penalized by the NCAA in Tedford’s 1st year)

Rommy: JoePa. More bowl wins than any other coach. (23-10-1 in 41 years…missed about two bowls a decade)

Ben: Big 10 Football. We’re just happy to be here.

Rommy: Cal football. Hugging trees is so fun.

Rommy: Cal football. We lost to Stanford. (Cal strength of schedule #23, Penn State #65 according to team rankings.com)

Ben: Big 10 Football. Stanford would be a bowl team if they played here.

Rommy: Big 10 football. Ten bowl eligible teams.

Ben: Big 10 football. WE HAVE 11 TEAMS AND ARE CALLED THE BIG 10!

Rommy: Cal Football. We finished in the bottom three of our conference.

Ben: Cal Football. Even out bad year is better than your average.

Rommy: Cal Football. We have no tradition and haven’t been to a Rose Bowl in 50 years.

Ben: Penis State Football. Too old to change our adult diapers, but since our coach sucks, why would we change coaches?

Ben: Penis State Football. At least as goos as your high school team.

Rommy: Penn State. We’ve actually gone undefeated 5 times.

Ben: Haha. Shows how good the Big 10 is. Did you play 5 quarters?

<HALF TIME>

Ben: Even Eddie George said “this is the same game as last year”.

Ben: Wow, just when I was going to give you congrats for forcing a punt… (OSU roughs the punter leading to an LSU score 33-10 now.)

Ben: Big 11 Football. We don’t mind being embarrassed on national television…go ahead…change to subject to Cal.

Rommy: Pac 10 Football. We have one team.

Ben: Big 11 Football. We have no one good.

Rommy: Big 10 Football. We are historically the greatest conference ever.

Ben: Big 11 football. We are the best just ask us…

Ben: But don’t ask the SEC of Pac 10. They always laugh and it hurts our fragile little feelings.

Ben: Congrats. You scored! Now you are only down 2 td’s. (LSU leads by 14 going into the 4th)

Rommy: Pac 10 Football. USC Recruits. Everyone else has drum circles.

Ben: Wow, I can actually see your hopes go up in smoke from my apartment (OSU fumble returned by LSU to the 20).

Ben: Big 10 Football. 3-5 in bowl games this year. 0-2 in the BCS.

Ben: Pac 10 Football. 4-2 in bowl games, with a BCS win.

Ben: But Purdue did beat Central Michigan by 3…congrats.

Rommy: We beat Florida and Texas A&M.

Ben: 4-loss Florida. 6-loss A&M

Rommy: Talk all the shit you want.

Ben: Oh look…another OSU interception.

Rommy: Nate Longshore and Desean Jackson. Most overrated players in college football.

Ben: I couldn’t name anyone on your team and my conference is so clearly better than yours its laughable.

Ben: Not to change the subject, but LSU is killing you conference champion.

Poor Rommy…speaking of not having a leg to stand on. Way to stay loyal to your team and conference no matter how bad they are.

Final score: LSU 38 vs OSU 24.

-b

P.S. This game was really boring as the rest of the BCS was. Let’s have a frickin’ playoff next year.

So with college football being over (see my last blog about every BCS game being a 40 point beat down) every good football fan needs some way to spend their free time. Here are some links to the most infamous coaching rants ever:

“Playoffs?!?” by Jim Mora (Indianapolis Colts-NFL)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qwq7BYOnDrM&rel=1]

Most iconic soundbite ever. Everytime someone says the word “playoffs” I think of this high pitched rant.

“You Play to Win the Game” by Herman Edwards (New York Jets- NFL)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMk5sMHj58I&rel=1]

I love the step back and stare. Timing is everything in a good rant.

“Game Face” by Bob Knight (Univ of Indian- NCAA Basketball)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q30BZhJJuuk&rel=1]

He’s the master. If you think this is amusing there is a montage of Bob’s work on YouTube.

“It’s Division 1 Football” by Dan Hawkins (Univ of Colorado- NCAA Football)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9S3RbRifTSk&rel=1]

I heard they made t-shirts that said “Colorado ‘It’s Division 1 Football’ Football” at CU.

“Who We Thought They Were” by Dennis Green (Arizona Cardinals- NFL)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDAq5tyfk9E&rel=1]

Congratulations, you’ve lost your job but won a Coors Light commercial.

“Stupid Ass Questions” by Hal Mcrae (Chicago Cubs- MLB)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI&rel=1]

This is why therapists get paid.

“I’m a Man” by Mike Gundy (Okahoma State Univ- NCAA Football)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E&rel=1]l

Maybe the best pure blowup on the list…other than Hal Mcrae

“You Know What This Is All About?” by Mark Mangino (Univ of Kansas- NCAA Football)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuCqE8tMfEs&rel=1]

Mark, coach of the year…way to say it like it is.

I couldn’t find Lou Piunella with the Reds or John Cheaney with Temple. Please let me know if you can think of any I missed.

Enjoy!

-b